just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
