it wasn't lemon gatorade
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
