hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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