I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize