dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
its liver damage thursday
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