omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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