She said her name was "party"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
