What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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