i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
