we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
