can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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