I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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