Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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