my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
