The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
