It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
