Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
