____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
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Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
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Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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