as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
