remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
