you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
