No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
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I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
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He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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