Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
