Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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