I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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