i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
