If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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