I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
