And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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