break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
