there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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