I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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