i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
