In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
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and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
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He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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