Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
