Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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