You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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