The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
this is an emotional support booty call
Randomize
