remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
