life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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