ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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