i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
