dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
