I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
