By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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