WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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