Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
