My liver just broke up with me...
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
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