I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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