My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
