Grow some girl-balls and come out already
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
