Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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